- Why did the train like chewing gum?
To make slightly more bearable its freakishly anthropomorphic existence!

- Hello my name is Bingo.  I like to climb on things.  Can I have a banana?  Eep eep.

- In a recent survey taken amongst five castaways, the leading cause of death for males aged 18-26 years is cannibals.  The second leading cause of death- being overthrown by the rest of the castaways after delusions of grandeur.

- In these scary times, we need to stop and reassess our own problems in relation to those of others.  Take, for example, the crack dealers of the world.  How are they supposed to distribute their goods now?  How are they supposed to know if that powder they are getting is crack, or some dangerous chemical that could kill them?

- I think in many ways, the game of darts is a metaphor for life.  The dartboard is symbolic of your face, and my darts are symbolic of my darts...

- It's not my fault you died!  You said that nobody could die of a broken heart, so according to YOUR logic, you should still be alive after I stabbed you repeatedly in the heart with my knife...

- Yeah, man.  I got a disease... a real scorcher!  Hence, El Scorcho!

- Days spent chasing Green Fairies and pretty girls... why is it that our greatest inspirations are also our greatest distractions...?

- This drink will be the death of me... I speak, of course, of the Silvery Steamer, consisting of 50% Hydrochloric Acid and 50% glass shards...

- What is it with black boxes in airplanes?  If they are indestructible, why not make DVD players out of them?  Then they would NEVER break, instead of ALWAYS breaking...

- So, El Gigante, we meet again!  Lucky for me, it will be the LAST time we meet, for I shall skewer thee with my indescribable charm and wit!

- Today's forecast- there is a 60% chance of humiliation today, with flurries of rejection from the opposite sexx stretching from early morning until the night...

- Young Goodman McKeon is off into the woods for some food and drink...

- Do not listen to the sweet farewells of that heartless villain!  Where he comes from, "goodnight" actually means "I would love to violate and corrupt your most precious dreams!"  That dirty scalawag!

- The leading cause of death in America is not guns, AIDS, smoking, or traffic accidents.  Hippos kill more people per year than all those causes COMBINED!  Damn you, dirty hippos!

- "Objectively, I can't think of anyone in the world I'd rather not depend on than Hunter S. Thompson.  But unfortunately, I'm forced to depend on him constantly.  And let me tell you it's nothing short of nerve-wracking."
-Hunter S. Thompson

- If Judge Reinhold were really a judge he would sentence you to watch Stripes, a truly hilarious movie!

- Funny... my head didn't used to bleed at the ears...  Damn you, Kahn!

- I wish that laundry could just do itself... kinda like I wish I could just DO myself!

- Elect Joung Lee and Micky McKeon, your Nuke Party representatives!  We stand on a solid platform of "Nuke Everyone, All The Time!"  This, of course, includes you and I, fair voters!

- If your wit is ozone, then my wit is Bromine!  Look it up...

- Pizza can best be understood by breaking it down into its two components- "Pete" and "zuh?"

- Playing a game is more fun when there's more than one person playing.  And when the game isn't Stabby-Throaty...

- Me and you go together like babies and razor blades!

- Showering.  You know, I kinda wish that instead of water, YOU were spewed forth from the shower head, %n, enveloping my body.  You'd clean me good!

- Sleep when you're dead.  I bet the man who said that died at an early age.  It was probably lead poisoning... but it also might have been his bad liver...

- I am the stick that God has rammed through the spokes of your life...

- True love is never having to say "Shut up, you stupid bitch!"

- WAR!  Huh!  Good God!  What is it good for?  Absolutely nothing!  Except the opportunity to rape and pillage.  Sweet, sweet pillaging...

- If seven whores walk into a room, and only five walk out, what does that mean?  Well, it means that two out of every seven whores is a cannibal...

- Did you know, that in today's self-centered society, 32% of ALL sentences are started with the word "I"? Did you also know, that the "I" is usually followed by "hate all black people and gays"?
 

THE END