In Frederick, Maryland last night, a local teen is under arrest for the murder of his parents- in cold blood. The boy, Daniel Druff, is now in custody, and will not be released until the trial begins. Steven and Marie Druff, his parents, were stabbed repeatedly in the back with a blade or knife of some sort. Daniel turned himself in this morning, making his way to a local police station still wearing his bloodied murder-clothes. He appeared calm and content, officer Johnson says.
    “Yeah, he just walked in the door, completely covered in blood, right? So we thought he was hurt, but he just told us that he killed his parents, then smiled. It was very unsettling.”
    Only 15 years old, Daniel, or “Dan” as his schoolmates liked to call him, was a quiet student. Reports indicate that he did not have many friends, and was often the target of many lunchroom food-fights. His fellow students were saddened to hear what had happened, but were not surprised.
    “He was always just sittin’ by himself, like he hated himself or somethin’. I guess it was really because he was figurin’ a way to kill his mom and pops.” stated his classmate, Biff Greenlocke. “Yeah, Dan was sure freaky.”
    When questioned about his motives, the troubled “Dan” looked amazed that such a question could be asked of him. He is quoted as saying:
    “Are you serious? They ruined my life, for no reason! Dan Druff? Who does that? If you think about it, there is absolutely no reason for a parent to name their child Dan Druff unless they have the express purpose of causing him as much anguish as possible! It is just pointless brutality. Jesus!”
    And apparently this murder motive is nothing new to the United States Justice System. Such other notorious patricide and matricide cases as the Harold “Harry” Ballsak case, and the notorious Abraham “Abe” Owner case in 1986. Let us just hope that other such birthname-motivated parent-slayings can be avoided in the future. Or I am in trouble. This is Kelly Thompson, signing off. And now, I must get home to my daughter, Dirtycockface Thompson. Goodnight.

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