by
Micky McKeon
INT. SUPERMARKET – DAYMADELINE LAW walks through the aisles with a cart full of groceries. Topping the cart off are the three most recent issues of The National Inquirer. She is a pregnant woman, and walks with little grace. Her hair is ratty, and her eyes have enormous bags under them. Her buckteeth and shoddy dress are indicative of her low social class. She continues shopping.
MURPHY (V.O.)
Madeline spots VILMA, and approaches her. Vilma is an old lady, dressed in layer upon layer of dirty rags. One of her eyes is glossed over with milky goo.Well, it all began way, way back. Before I can even remember. In a little town too poor to have a name, and in a time period too insignificant to warrant any mention. But wherever and whenever it was, I was there- protected by the uterine lining of my mother’s womb.MADELINE
Hey there, Vilma! Whatcha got in yer cart?VILMA Madeline starts digging through Vilma’s cart to see what she had decided to purchase. She comes across a container of Tofu, and picks it out of the basket, confused.Leave me alone. Leave me alone!VILMA
Stop now! Leave me!MADELINE Vilma, what is this stuff? Ain’t you gonna buy some meat or steak or somethin’?VILMA I do not eat the flesh of the living, you beast! Leave me, or suffer the consequences!MADELINE You don’ eat meat? Wudder you a nun er somethin’?VILMA That has nothing to do with-MADELINE Vilma, you a witch? I know you German, but you a witch too, right?VILMA Leave me be, or suffer a terrible fate!MADELINE Radiant light sparkles around Vilma, and the rest of the store goes dark.What else you got in there?VILMA
You have been warned! Your incessant intolerability will be the death of you- no. No, it will be the end of your child!MADELINE Vilma places one weathered hand on Madeline’s stomach and moves it around in a circular motion.I ain’t got no kids, Vilma!MADELINE
Oh, I’m s’posed to go to the hospital so they can get mah baby outta me.VILMA Vilma, and the lights around her disappear, and the store returns to normal. Madeline looks around behind a life-size cutout of a superhero, but cannot find her.The fate of many has been dark, but yours shall be the worst. For when you come forth from this womb, you’ll forevermore be… CURSED!
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Madeline is giving birth, and the DOCTOR is in the appropriate position, ready to bring the newborn comfortably into the world.
DOCTOR
Okay Mrs. Law, just one more push, and that should be it. Are you ready?MADELINE Madeline pushes with all her might, and the doctor continues encouraging her.Yes!MURPHY (V.O.)
I was born on the exact date projected by the doctors eight and a half months earlier. She was already in the hospital for a check-up, so it was remarkably convenient in every way. Couldn’t go smoother.DOCTOR The doctor slips on some of the blood covering the floor, and falls to the ground, dropping the baby. The baby doesn’t hit the ground, but is suspended over the side of the seat by the umbilical cord. The doctor quickly stands up, rescues the baby, and cuts the umbilical cord.Aaaannnndddd… there you go! You did it! Congratulations, Mrs. Law, you have a baby- d’oh!DOCTOR (CONT’D)
The doctor hands the baby to Madeline, and she cradles him in her arms.Boy! A beautiful baby boy!MURPHY (V.O.)
And so I was brought into the world, like a bloody little acrobat.
EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAYMurphy is now eight years old, playing freeze tag with a bunch of other kids. He single handedly runs down every other kid who tries to avoid being permanently frozen in their fleeing position.
MURPHY (V.O.) Murphy finishes tagging everyone, leaving them like tiny statues littering the playground. He raises his arms in triumph.Aside from that terrible experience during circumcision, and a few minor injuries as a youth, things were going pretty well. I was a top-notch athlete, and even made the youth state soccer AND basketball team.MURPHY (to camera)
Cursed my ass!
EXT. SOCCER FIELD – EVENINGMurphy is now twelve, and playing on the select soccer team. It is getting dark, and is raining on the soccer field, but the teams play anyway. The COACH, the FANS in the bleachers, and even the CHEERLEADERS all have umbrellas. One of Murphy’s opponents dribbles the ball down the field, and Murphy moves to him.
COACH
Get ‘em, Murphy! Don’t let ‘em score! Come on, Murphy!MADELINE Yeah, Murphy, get tha ball! We want a goal!CHEERLEADER Murphy steals the ball from his opponent and dribbles down the field, alone. The crowd goes wild. It is just he and the goalie, and they gaze deep into each other’s eyes.Murphy, I love you! Come on, Murphy, woo! Wooooo Murphy! Wooooo!
Everything is silent. Coach, fans, cheerleaders, players, and even nature all seem to stop in anticipation of the upcoming confrontation between forward and goalie, to determine the fate of the game.Murphy gets the ball to a suitable angle, and steadies it, ready for a monstrous kick. The goalie gets in his stance, preparing to use his cat-like agility to make the ultimate, game winning save. Time stands still.
Murphy takes a step forward, winds up, and puts all his energy into his frighteningly powerful right leg. The moment his foot makes contact with the ball, a white flash pierces the sky.
Murphy’s entire body is filled with electricity as the thunderbolt races through his body, sending him flying through the air, and leaving a trail of black smoke behind him.
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Murphy is lying in bed, his entire body still smoking, and the sides of his hair turned completely white. He is lying with one of his legs propped up into the air, and the other one bent inward. His arms are both pressed hard against his body, with the backs of his hands against his chest. His neck is contorted to one side.
MURPHY (V.O.)
But I didn’t die. I was too unlucky to die. Instead, the next four years of my life were spent in a hospital.
INT. SCHOOL – DAYMurphy walks through the hallway, books in his hand, and the sides of his hair still white. He is sixteen years old.
MURPHY (V.O.)
Murphy is joined by JEN, his incredibly beautiful girlfriend. Jen is much taller than Murphy, and has long, flowing blonde hair. Her green eyes and flawless complexion make her look angelic. Breasts too big for her age, yet perfect for her body type, make her the object of every schoolboy’s desire.When I got back to school, it took a little while, but then, wouldn’t you know it, things started to look up once again.She walks up to Murphy and gives him a big kiss, then walks hand-in-hand with him down the hallway. Everyone looks admiringly at the two lovebirds.
MURPHY (to camera)
Aww, kitty kitty!
INT. MURPHY’S TRAILER – NIGHTMurphy sits in his trailer, scratching off a lottery ticket. He sighs and throws it into a bucket that reads, “Losers.” The bucket is overflowing with hundreds of scratch-off tickets. Next to it is another bucket that reads, “Winners”, but it is completely empty. A spider crawls out of the bucket.
MADELINE (O.S.)
Murphy sighs, then stands and exits through the main trailer door.Murphy! Get me pasta! Go get me some!
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Murphy walks a few steps out into the street, then hears children screaming. He runs to see what the commotion is about.There is a motley bunch of five KIDS, and facing them is DRACULA. Three VIRGINS-TURNED-VAMPIRES are on the other side of the kids, and move in on them with slow certainty.
KID #1
Murphy walks a little closer to the intriguing battle, and notices that one of the female vampires is Jen. He is shocked.Don’t let them get the talisman! Whatever you do!MURPHY
He runs over to join the action, but before he can get there, one of the leather-jacket-clad kids pulls out a steak, and charges Jen with it.Jen!KID #2
The kid stakes Jen through the heart. Murphy looks on with great terror as Jen falls to the ground, dead. The kids then jump in a car and drive away before Dracula can get them, and the vampires give chase. After everyone is gone, Murphy runs over to where Jen lies, a wooden pole protruding from her chest. Murphy checks her pulse and finds that she is dead. He wails:Hope you like your stakes… WELL DONE!MURPHY
Noooooooooo!!!
INT. SCHOOL – DAYMurphy walks down the hallway, alone. He looks smaller than usual. Everyone else walks arm-in-arm with their significant other, and each couple stares at Murphy as they pass him by.
MURPHY (V.O.)
Most people will never realize the pain of having your girlfriend turned into an evil, undead minion of Dracula, and then witness her being stabbed through the heart with a wooden stake. My way to cope with it- “Hey, it can’t get any worse.”
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHTMurphy is now 21. he walks through a deserted parking lot, rain falling on his head. He scratches off his recently bought lottery ticket. A winner! He does a double take, then accepts that he has just won $20,000. Excitement creeps into his face, and finally triumphant, he extends both arms mightily into the air.
The moment he does, a gigantic crash is heard, and he is once again struck by lightning. The ashes that used to be a winning lottery ticket fall to the ground, next to a twitching Murphy.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL TRACK – DAY
It is a pleasant, sunny day out, and Murphy is jogging around the track. He is now 24, and most of his hair is white. His body is drenched in sweat, and he sprints the last leg of the run. He stops and looks down at his watch.
He does a little jump in the air, celebrating his best time ever. Once he reaches the peak of his jump, a lightning bolt strikes, sending back down to the earth. He is burnt and twitching.
MURPHY
Why? Sunny.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – DAYMurphy, now 28, eats alone in a crowded restaurant, enjoying the great food. He hears a strange rumble from outside, and starts to slink down in his seat. A WAITER comes up to him, with a telephone on a tray.
WAITER
Skeptical, Murphy waits a moment, sizing up the waiter. Then, reluctantly, he extends his arm towards the phone. He grabs the receiver. Slowly bringing the phone to his ear, he never takes his eye away from the waiter. An enormous crash is heard from the phone, and it explodes with electricity once it touches his ear. The phone flies away, and Murphy flies in the opposite direction.Call for you, sir.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Murphy, now aged 35 years, is wearing a postman’s outfit, and delivers mail to each mailbox he passes.
MURPHY (V.O.)
Smiling, Murphy continues down the street, walking up to each house and gently placing the mail in the mailbox.There comes a point in every man’s life when he comes to realize, there is no way I won’t be struck by another lightning bolt! I reached that point. So there was nothing left to do but accept, and face death with a grin.MURPHY (V.O.)
Murphy looks down at the envelope in his hand. It is addressed to Hades, in the Underworld. Murphy sighs, then a look of determination enters his face. He goes to deliver the letter.So, I decided to get a job, and waddaya know: things were actually going well! No lightning. Best job I ever had. I prided myself on my constant punctuality, my 0% lost mail, and my unwillingness to skip any job. Any job.
EXT. RIVER STYX – NIGHT
A SKELETON wearing a gigantic black cloak escorts Murphy across the river. The ripples in the water seem to move slower than should be possible, but Murphy doesn’t look the least bit nervous. It takes them ten seconds to reach the shore.
MURPHY (V.O.)
So I crossed the River Styx, which was way out of my assigned area!
EXT. UNDERWORLD GATES – NIGHTMurphy walks up to a gigantic, black gate.
MURPHY (V.O.)
After managing to get past Cerberus, which sucked, I got the letter to where it belongs. I did my job!
EXT. UNDERWORLD – NIGHTMurphy wears only a loincloth. His skin is dark and scorched, which is a giant contrast to his pure white hair.
MURPHY (to camera)
SAM, another man Murphy’s age, looks at Murphy in awe. His skin is dark as well, but his hair is just as dark and dirty.I may be cursed by that wicked German, and I may have the worst luck fathomable, but at least I delivered the letter and did my job!SAM
Wow. (beat) Hey Murphy.MURPHY Yeah?SAM Murphy looks down, and a giant boulder is at the base of the enormous hill he is standing on. Murphy sighs, then looks down again.Your boulder fell down again.MURPHY
Yeah...SAM They both move back down the hill, towards the boulder.I’m sorry, man.SAM
Maybe this time you’ll make it.MURPHY FADE OUT:Yeah, maybe. (beat) So, what are you in for?
THE END