In response to Nietzsche's controversial statement in The Joyful Wisdom that "God is dead" God released his own statement yesterday, proclaiming that "Nietzsche is suffering eternally, in a hell-bog of pain and despair."
    God, after replacing Zoroastor as Supreme Being around 1600 BC, denied the allegations that He was "dead" and claims that such a statement (is) "not only horribly inaccurate, but is just asking for trouble." Trouble, Nietzsche has got, according to God, in the forms of "seizures of white-hot pain" and "tortures so terrible, to speak them would cause (this author's) ears to ooze out the melting muck that was my brain."
    Nietzsche had no comment concerning God's press release, but instead was too busy having his eyes gouged out by Satan's black claws.
    St. Michael, a close friend of Gods, had comment:
    "I had to watch my dear friend's name dragged through the mud by this Nietzsche fellow, who never even met God! When word spread that God, an immortal and everlasting being, was dead- well... we'll just say, not many people wanted to worship a deity that could die!"
    It is true, God's approval rating dropped significantly following the publication of Nietzsche's slanders. Only now, decades later, is his rating back up to where it was before the "death" scandal.
    "It's just good to see that God is finally in the good graces of the public, and Nietzsche is in hell, burning with the rest of the lawyers and thinkers." commented St. Michael. "With this press statement, describing in detail the eternal sufferings of Nietzsche, perhaps humankind will think twice before blaspheming the Lord of Everlasting Love! Or he'll damn them good!
 

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